My Baby Had a Blast At His Dance!!

We went to my 8 year old's Valentines dance last night and he had a blast!!!  I had such a great time watching him have fun and dancing with him.  It was so nice to see him forget about his worries and have fun with his friends.  He made quite an impression and charmed everyone with his awesome dance moves and coolness!  :) 

Having Fun and Getting Back To Normal!!

So far since my 8 year old has been back, we have just been focusing on school and trying to ease his anxiety.  His anxiety has been off the charts since he has been home because he is constantly worried he will end up living at his dad's house again if his dad actually decides to exercise his visitation rights or if he doesn't make As and Bs on his report card.  I try every day to get him to think about other things and just be a kid.  He has been through way more than any kid his age should ever have to go through and will not allow himself to just be in the moment and enjoy life.  He loves his new friends and his teacher at his new school and is very excited about the Valentines dance we are going to at his school this evening.  For at least a couple of hours, hopefully he will just have fun and live in the moment.  He says his little "girlfriend" is meeting him there and he is going to dance with her. :)  I live seeing my little guy happy and looking forward to the dance!!

3/4 of OUR Nest Back Together!!

My 17 year old got to come home in May of 2012, but my 8 year old finally got to come home December 19th after being at his dad's house for just under eight months.  I picked him up from school and we went to pick up his one little box from his dad's.  I did not care that he did not get all of his clothes and other things back, I just cared that he was heading back home with me where he belongs!  We spent the afternoon at home hugging and watched movies that night.  The next day we packed and left for St. Louis to spend Christmas with my sister and brother-in-law.  It was a very nice visit and we hated to leave, but we had our lives to get back to and things to do in order for him to be ready for school when it started again.  He was going back to the school he was torn from after only being there four days in April.  He was apprehensive at first, but he is enjoying it and has a very caring teacher.  I am not going to lie and say that things have not been a bit of a challenge, because it has been a challenge switching gears from only having a 17 year old in the house, to having my 8 year old back home.  He is adjusting well to class with a few minor glitches, but his teacher, my son, and I are working together to make sure he is very successful!  We have a 504 meeting scheduled to see what gaps we can fill in to get him even more help.  When he was with his dad, they had him in special education instead of in the regular classroom.  He was told for eight months that he wasn't smart enough to be in a regular classroom setting and was made to feel he is stupid.  He is a very intelligent child and has wonderful social skills!!  His teacher, my beautiful son, and I will not accept mediocrity!!  He is rising to the challenge and his grades are still up to par.  I am back in school now, so now we do homework and study together.  We read at bedtime most nights and that is our downtime together so we can unwind from the day.  Having him home has been great!!  Now to get my other baby home when he gets out of school for the summer!  :)

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Ok, so I wasn't going to keep writing much on my blog about the whole CPS and my 8 year old "sperm donor" story, but sometimes you just need things documented.  Before my 8 year old came home, CPS told me that I would have to take him out to Kemp (1.5 hours away from where we live) to continue his therapy with his counselor, who is only an LPC, instead of taking my son back to the PhD he was seeing before all this crap with CPS happened.  I took him after the holidays and all that happened was the counselor told me that "If I even SUSPECT any child abuse, I have to call CPS.  If your son misses an appointment, YOU will have to pay the copay, NOT his dad.  I'm sure you want to tell me your side of the story, but we don't have time today."  He said these things to me after my son's dad had been taking him to this counselor and was talking about me.  I told the counselor that I would prefer not to tell my side of the story, but show him because I believe in showing people my character rather than bad mouthing the other person.  That same day, my son was scheduled in Dallas for a second psychiatric evaluation at Children's Hospital where I had taken him previously and was turned away because he was on CHIPS for health coverage since I wasn't able to find his dad to get his insurance information.  The second evaluation was scheduled an hour after his counseling appointment, so there was no way for me to make it there.  I made the decision to take my son instead to a real psychiatrist who can evaluate him, build a relationship with him and see him on a regular basis.

After scheduling an appointment for my son with Dr. Minirth, their office had to call my son's dad for consent to treat him.  When they got in touch with his dad, his dad would not consent!!  He assumed that we were going to put my son back on medicine, which is not the first thing that Dr. Minirth does.  There are natural things he can do to help as well as work books that have exercises in them that can help us minimize the amount of my son's anxiety.  His dad called me after I left the office and yelled at me for not taking my son to the second evaluation and when he said that he told me in advance about the appointment that should have been enough time to be able to get our son to his appointment.  The counseling appointment was also scheduled way in advance, actually it is a standing appointment and I can't be two places at once.  When I called Children's to reschedule, I was unable to because I was not in the system, so his dad would have had to call to reschedule.  When I call his dad, he does not answer my calls, so I decided to text him and that way it would be documented that I contacted him too. 

When his dad called me today after leaving the psychiatrist's office and after his initial verbal thrashing upon me, I told him he can Google the doctor and he said "I don't have to talk to you about this and I got my dental information this morning, but since you have an attitude, I don't have to talk to you about that either!"  Now, interestingly enough, I have sent a few different text messages about obtaining dental insurance information for our son so I can take him to the dentist, but never received a response.  His dad called the other night for the second time since December 19th when I picked our son up to come back home and he told our son he would text me the information, but he never did.  Today he claimed he is unable to receive or send texts from his phone even though he has acknowledged he can do so from his phone.  Today was obvious that some how after all these years, he is still finding a way to make this about us instead of our son.  Once he told me he didn't have to talk to me about the dental insurance or the psychiatrist because of my "attitude", I hung up.  Interestingly enough, I have an "attitude" because I spoke up for my son and myself against him for the first time EVER.  He is so harsh with his words that I have always walked on egg shells because the way he talks to me is very intimidating.  The CPS caseworker made the comment the day she closed the case, "I know the way he talks to me about you.  I can only imagine how he talk to you."  Yet, if his dad calls CPS again, our son goes to foster care and neither one of us will see him.  I don't think it really matters to his dad because he called our son on Christmas day and for a second time Wednesday, January 23rd.  He told our son he was going to get him that weekend and he never called or showed up.  For me, if our son went to foster care, it would be the end of the world.  It is impossible to work with someone that is unwilling to work with me!!  How do you force someone to be civil and co-parent with you if they won't even try and just do all they can to make things harder for the other parent??  You can't!

Living in THIS MOMENT!!

The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, and all of nature’s sounds seem to whisper, hello, we are so happy to see you are back.

Without you, I was lost in a silenced world without colors, unable to feel or hear its beauty because the day you left, my world turned black.

You are my world and my world is again a symphony of sound and color, it is right; so perfect, pure, and full of love and warmth for all.

You were starved for my love and hugs, but you are back and love very much; You would have had them sooner, but all I could do was call. 

Your fears are too much for you to bear alone; let’s mend your broken soul; yes sweet angel, with me will always be the right place. 

No, you don’t have to go back and we’re together, live this moment with me, without fear; let’s wipe the tears rolling down your sweet face.

You are home where you have always belonged; never again will you be ripped from my side and sent away, out from my sight.

My eyes get warm with tears when I gaze upon your angelic face; God I will always love you with all of my might!

The thought of one day being reunited with you gave me hope; thinking of your warm heart, smile and laugh kept me sane.

 Let these tears be of happiness and joy that we are finally together again; too many were wasted on frustration and the pain.

Although it is true, we lost precious time and our wounds are fresh, we will heal; let’s basque in THIS MOMENT and in GOD’S GLORY.

HE has us covered and our loved ones are rooting for us; we beat the odds and will continue our journey and continue to fight, this is our story.     

20 Hours and Counting!!

I am not sure how much more I want to share on my blog since I am trying to bang my story out in an autobiography.  The days spent waiting for tomorrow, the 19^th of December to arrive, when I can go get Connor, have been very difficult.  I was fortunate enough to have enough school work and studying to do with the end of the semester drawing to a close.  Despite all of the drama and turmoil in our lives this year, I managed to do very well in the five classes I took this semester.  I even managed a B in my honors anatomy and physiology class!  The B in that class and the fact that I was finished with school for the semester was able to float me along a couple more days.  Now, even though I have much to do to get ready for Connor’s return tomorrow, I can hardly focus.  All I have wanted to do since I received the phone call November 27^th is to go get my babies!  Trying to focus on any one thing is like putting a steak eight feet in front of a Pit Bull with a six inch leash.  I am there, but I just cannot obtain what I want yet.  I have roughly twenty hours to go until I can hold my youngest son in my arms and smother him in hugs and kisses!  No, it is not as difficult as not knowing one way or the other whether or not they are even able to come back home, but they are right at my fingertips and I just can’t touch them yet.  My heart is about to explode and my emotions are a mixture of pure joy and doubt.  The doubt comes from not believing I am really getting them back until they are in my arms.  Tomorrow, when I am holding ¼ of our single unit, my face will hurt from smiling!  We have made it this far, tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter.

 

Today, I started to write my autobiography.  It will be a challenge to produce an autobiography that people will want to read, but I assure you, this is not just any story.  Anyone that has known me since I was a young girl knows that my entire life has been filled with trials and tribulations.  Such a life would make most people succumb to a life of drugs or worse yet, to commit suicide.  I have had moments where I wanted to give up, but my will to keep pushing through it all has come from my three wonderful boys.  What we have been through this past year, no one should have to go through.  We made it through…. Now we can make it through anything life throws our way.  We are stronger, better, and smarter than we have ever been!

HAPPY 13TH!!

My middle son’s birthday was yesterday, November 30^th so his dad had a party for him today at a park near their house.  I was a bit hurt that I was not asked to help plan it or invited to cut the cake, hand him presents to open, or lend a hand with anything else during the party, but I understand.  I was able to be with our son for 12 years and planned all of his parties because his dad was not that involved.  I invited his dad to several of the birthday parties, but he was usually unable to attend.  Today was actually a nice change!  It was great to see his dad so involved and happy being able to put this together.  The party was spectacular and the sight of all of the bikes racing on the field was exciting to watch!  Our son is happy and knows he is loved, so that is all that matters.  Needless to say I did not stay hurt long and allowed myself to enjoy the party without having to clean up or make a fuss about planning it.  I was able to just show up, enjoy my son to the fullest and leave with joy in my heart knowing that he had a good day.  Happy 13^th my little man!! I love you so very much!! xoxo